I can’t honestly say why I’m still awake now. It’s 4.30am and I haven’t had any sleep at all. Despite having been in bed for a couple of hours, my brain has decided that sleep is not on the cards tonight.
So what brings me to Tumblr, I hear you ask? Well, no, I don’t hear you ask, though I’ll be blunt and say that I simply do not know why I’ve decided that this is the best course of action this late at night. I’ve not even turned my computer on for it, I’m lying in bed doing it via a Tumblr app on my phone which has probably been used about twice since actually downloading it. But, I digress.
The main reason why I can’t sleep is probably that I start to overthink things when I realise I’m not genuinely tired enough to sleep. So, I lie awake going over things in my head (strangely far more negative things than positive, as is always the way) and then when I finally decide that I AM tired enough to sleep, the wheels are already in motion and my brain refuses to stop thinking. This leads to a vicious choice of either thinking about what is currently on my mind and getting no sleep, or trying desperately to not think about what is on my mind and therefore think too hard about NOT thinking about it and also getting no sleep. But, again, I digress.
Realistically I should probably just get over or ignore whatever is in my head, though somehow the scale of your problems seems much greater when you’re lying in bed with nothing else to do. For some reason I become a lot angrier, imagining various different scenarios in which I just lose it at the person involved and just tell them exactly what I think. Sometimes I even imagine ridiculously dramatic scenarios in which the situation plays out almost like a soap opera, involving the other person in tears as I walk away from them in disgusted disappointment or some other such emotion.
I preferred life nine months ago when I didn’t have any of this stuff concerning me. Back when I was happy with the way everything in my life was and wasn’t desperately concerned with what may or may not happen in future and how things are at this precise moment. Essentially, these last nine months have been annoyingly thought-provoking and all for nothing. Nothing I can actually do will change anything involved whatsoever.
I’d like to think that I’m not even at fault for any of it, though maybe my opinion of myself is quite biased.